I fell into a trap

One of the current trends on TikTok is people getting the tattoo "SONDER", which I think was influenced by a video of Tyler the Creator talking about what this word means, which is the realisation that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own, with their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. What trap did I fall into, exactly? I found myself caught in the trap of seeking external validation. I wasn't aware I was in this trap until I began to analyse certain emotions I started experiencing.

I never in a lifetime imagined I would.

Here's a bit of background: In 2023, I experienced a significant friendship breakup for the first time, which was a clearly noticeable separation. This situation prompted me to reassess many aspects of my life. You might wonder how this breakup led me to seek external validation. This was one of my closest friendships, and we had a bond where I would usually consult them because we both valued each other's opinions. I then noticed that I started seeking validation unconsciously in various spaces after the separation. I see myself as a self-starter and have never needed anyone's approval to take action, but I did value this person's opinion. This led me into the trap of seeking external validation, causing me to question certain areas of my life, which I never did before. Earlier this year, I was finally able to trace this back to its root, and discovering the cause of my symptoms was a true blessing.

I'm currently at a place where I'm slowly rebuilding. I've developed a method to sit with my discomfort whenever I question an aspect of myself, and I am eagerly seeking validation. This helps me to build a stronger trust in myself. I recall my sister once telling me about the importance of bringing news to God before anyone else, serving as a reminder to stay prayerful in God's presence. I won't deny that it's been challenging, but we keep going. This also reminds me of my mum, who would always ask the Holy Spirit to help her tie her scarf — a simple request, yet a reminder that she's letting go of control.

External validation can appear as a need for reassurance, a fear of judgment, or difficulty in saying no, among other behaviours. Have you ever faced challenges with external validation, or are you currently dealing with it? How did you or do you manage it? Share your thoughts!

Reflecting on the earlier definition of SONDER, life is undeniably intricate and not completely unique. Remembering that your situation is not one-of-a-kind can sometimes help you appreciate its complexity. That's the beauty of life :)